For most of my life I have been a mormon. It was a vital part of my life, it even helped me through a few minor rough patches in my youth. When the world seemed dark, it helped me find my light. Even now, I hold a few teachings I learned from the church in my heart. the mormon church taught me about Jesus and the amazing man he was, his love for people. It taught me to seek out answers from god when ever i was confused, and it helped me to never feel alone. If i ever felt sad, I would remind myself there was a heavenly father who loved me. The idea of a family that could be together forever sounded very nice coming from a family of divorce to the young child I was too.
I had a few teachers in the church that helped me to learn to love myself, or if i didn’t love myself, to work on it, because, you aren’t perfect, but you can always work yourself. There were many other important lessons that helped me to strive to be a loving and good person. About 10 years ago I met a man in the mormon church and we were promptly married a year later in the mormon’s most sacred place, the temple. Like many young married couples did, we fought, and we fought a lot. More often than not, we fought on Sundays. A year after we were first married, we moved from the southern part of town, to the northern part of town. During our move, my husband and I were not able to attend church. It was then, I noticed the fighting had gone down a lot. Contention was not as high in the house. I started questioning why, it seemed to have something to do with church.
After much thought, and prayer, it was then I realized, there were parts of the mormon church I did not agree with, the most important one being the temple, which is a huge part of the church. For some time I was confused, for the church tells you often that these thoughts can be satan. I went to church a few more times, all the time, thinking, praying. My answer was clear though, my heart, or as the mormon church puts it, “the holy ghost” was telling me that it was not a good time for me to go to church. I followed my feelings, and I thank god I did every day.
It was a hard transition going from a culture of going to church every day with people, to finding my own way. I had to learn to be assertive in my beliefs, I had to find out exactly what i believed in again. In some ways, I felt like a blank slate. Every once in awhile, i even feel lost because i’m so use to community, as well as when life gets rough. At the same time, being out of a community, you are never pushed into group thinking. I learned to listen to my heart even better, and really be ok with not always agreeing with people. Often, in the past, i’d find myself agreeing with people because I wanted them to like me, or i felt like they would not listen to how I felt. Being away from a religion forced a growing up period.
I think the mormon church holds a lot of good. At the same time, I have also come to realize, that it is not for me. It does not bring me any sort of happiness, nor do I feel more spiritually enlightened by it. I’ve tried going for the sake of my children, but every time I do, i feel like i’m not being true to myself and hurting my personal relationship to my spirit(and god). Some people have said to me, “You don’t always get something out of church” or that, “You have to look for it.” I agree, you often do, at the same time, I have but there is nothing for me in that church any longer. Lately, when my family and I have time, we go to a unitarian church. I like the spirituality it brings to my life, but i also try and make time to ponder, mediate, and learn on my own to help me when ever I’m down, don’t know what to do, or when i’m trying to better myself as a person. I’m happy for the people that have found love in the mormon church, or whatever church they are in. If they are being spiritually fed there, and can feel themselves grow that is great. I however, feel that my spiritual growth should not be tied to a religion, but rather to my own self, and god.
